Getting Past the Fear of Change

Home renovation shows are all about “The Reveal”—that magical last act when home owners see the glorious completed renovation. They laugh, they cry relieved tears, their grinning kids jump for joy. Everybody loves the new furniture, wallpaper, flooring, and windows. They talk about all the fun they’ll have in this shiny new space, and laugh as they say, “This doesn’t even look like our home!” But in the real world, not everyone feels great about saying goodbye to the cabinets that didn’t close, the faded drapes in the family room, or the Sponge Bob beanbag chair. Sometimes changes to the home environment—even ostensibly good ones—prompt feelings of sadness, grief, and loss. Here are a few ways to help the members of your household deal with the anxiety, worry, or fear of change that can come with home organization, moves, or other changes to your household.

Worries About Lost Memories

Resistance to major changes to a home’s design, or even small changes to its decor, can show up in people of any age. Some people are resistant to change throughout their lives. However, resistance is most likely in people who are especially young or elderly. This is most often true for people who no longer live with family members who once shared the home with them.

Children whose parents have divorced or died sometimes worry that they’ll forget not only what the house used to look like, but also the people and memories the house once held. Parents who miss their grown-up children may keep children’s rooms unchanged. People of any age may have a fear of change when it comes to their homes. They often see changes to their homes as a threat to their ability to hang on to the family history. For them, the idea of redecorating or renovating a beloved space isn’t exciting—it’s something to dread.

When It’s Time to Make a Change

Respect the choices of the past

It’s not uncommon for people to feel guilt about changing a home that once housed a loved one. Often, houses fall into disrepair, are outgrown, or no longer function for the current inhabitants. Even so, we may resist making changes that could render a home safer, more functional, or more beautiful.

Tears may fall and brows furrow at the thought of change. “But Mom chose that wallpaper!” “Blue was Martin’s favorite color.” “We had such happy times in that family room.” Changing how we use a space, or altering its color or layout can feel like an erasure of what was there before. Some people feel defensive and offended by the idea of change, and see it as a negative commentary on them. If the new version is “better,” does that mean the old way was “bad”? If we’ve always done something one way, does the new way affect the beauty, history, or importance of what we did before?

Respect your need for a house that feels right to you

Wanting to live in a house that feels good, works well, and reflects your values and aesthetics doesn’t make you disrespectful of the people who came before. Choosing not to display or use things that don’t work well for you doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful, snooty, or thoughtless. Having different taste than others doesn’t make your style better or worse.

Most importantly, making changes to your home doesn’t erase your memories. It doesn’t mean you don’t love what the house used to be, or the people who lived there before.

Safety comes first

Sometimes a house is so full of decaying or cluttered reminders of the past that it becomes unsafe. Worn out carpets or stairs becoming tripping hazards. Overfilled rooms and hallways make movement difficult. Dust gathers heavily in nooks and crannies, and it’s hard to remove, so air quality suffers. Access to HVAC systems is blocked, so air filters aren’t changed regularly. Doorways are blocked. When fear of change leads to an unsafe environment, it’s important to get help before anyone in the home is harmed. If you don’t have the energy, money, or resources to make the changes you need, you can still get help. See the list of resources in my article Repairing a Damaged Home to find organizations and programs that would be happy to help you.

Discuss household members’ fear of change

A home should feel good to the people who live in it. Wanting to change it so that it works better for the current inhabitants isn’t bad, wrong, or heartless. But sometimes that means changes need to be planned, discussed, and executed slowly and with care.

If some in your household find change difficult, make talking about their feelings before implementing changes a priority. Sharing hopes, plans, and reasons for changes can significantly lessen feelings of loss or fear. Listen to others’ fears patiently, share some memories together, and consider compromises. Talk through ways to honor the history of the home and the people who used to live in it. Taking time to communicate before changing a home environment strengthens trust. This can lead to a happier home life (and less drama during the renovation).

Ways to Make Change Less Frightening

Take a picture, it’ll last longer

Before you give outgrown or unused possessions away, or make changes to your home, take lots of photos. Photograph the whole room and all the nooks and crannies. Take panoramic photos. Videotape the room, narrating it as you go. Zoom in and tell stories about particular items. Then put these photos and videos in albums (physical or online) and share them with the people who’ve loved those things and that space. This helps to solidify memories, and to prompt them later. Just knowing that there’s some record of how things were is enough to set a lot of people at ease and lessen their fear of change.

Honor & appreciate things, then let go

If you’re thinking of getting rid of a large piece, like a desk or a chest, open it and photograph the contents. Zoom in on painted or carved details. Honor it and the service it gave to you. When you let it go, you’ll also have the memories of focusing on it in the moment, touching something your loved one touched, and blessing it and the memories it’s given you. This conscious letting go can hurt a bit, but it can also feel very freeing. It builds on your memories rather than ending them.

Finding places in your updated home to honor the home’s history and memories of loved ones who lived there can help express the continuing love, honor, and respect you feel. It’s a way to emphasize positive memories, instead of leaving you feeling haunted by sad ones.

Give yourself & others some time

Taking time to grieve losses before clearing away loved ones’ things helps tender hearts heal before dealing with the transition to a renovated space. If you don’t have to empty or change a property immediately after a big change (such as a divorce) or a loss, don’t push yourself to give too much away right away. Give everyone in the house some time to adjust. This can ease their fear of change.

Make room for memories

People of many cultures create spaces in their homes to honor their ancestors. For some, this is a religious practice that involves an altar or shrine, but anyone can make a space dedicated to loved ones. Consider creating spaces that make room for your own needs, while also reminding you of good times and good people.

Walls of framed photos are wonderful ways to remember loved ones in happy moments. Keepsake frames keep mementos clean and safe, and give them prominence. Mixing sizes and types of frames adds visual interest. This creates a beloved feature wall that you notice, and don’t ignore. Family photo collections are a fine way to enliven often-used hallways or stairwells. You can keep adding more photos and mementoes higher or lower on the walls over time. They don’t have to be all lined up and perfect, either. Mixing and matching sizes and shapes and colors at differing heights adds to the charm.

Consider placing a photo of a loved one toward the back of a keepsake frame, then layering special items in front of that image. This emphasizes the connection between an item and its owner. Putting framed photos in a display case or china cabinet is another way to make sentimental connections between photos and belongings clear.

Gather small mementos

Fear of change can be managed and lessened if you make plenty of space in your home for reminders of beloved people and experiences. Small items once held by loved ones feel especially intimate and meaningful. Here are a few mementoes that prompt sweet memories when featured in keepsake frames or display cases:

• Concert or theater tickets
• Favorite toys, or game pieces placed in front of a game board
• A favorite recipe behind a pretty serving plate
• A piece of needlework, carving, painting, or another handcrafted memento
• Foreign coins or paper currency picked up while traveling
• Wedding invitations
• Birth announcements
• Stamp collections
• Records or record covers
• Shot glasses or matchbook covers (or both together)
• Pocket watches or wristwatches
• Ladies’ gloves
• Catcher’s mitts and baseballs
• Christmas ornaments or snow globes
• Action figures
• Comic books
• A compass with a map behind it
• Pine cones, acorns, or seed pods
• Framed manga pages
• Pets’ collars and tags
• Jewelry (hang on straight pins in a frame with a black background for drama)
• Fishing lures
• Lace handkerchiefs
• Medals
• Baby rattles or baby spoons
• Medical instruments
• A bottle of a favorite perfume and a vintage compact
• Feathers
• A canceled passport open to the photo page
• Beloved figurines
• A photo of a loved one playing an instrument along with sheet music for a favorite song

When It’s Time to Let Go

Don’t toss things without notice

You may come across things that you don’t want, but that might have meaning to someone else. This could be a child who’s off at college, or a far-away relative. It’s helpful to send them photos of things you want to say goodbye to. They can decide whether they want to store those things themselves. This helps avoid resentment toward you for throwing things out without warning.

Set end dates on storing unwanted items

Give people time to consider what to do. Be willing to store things a bit longer if you can, out of kindness. (And there’s nothing wrong with buying waterproof, bug-proof plastic bins and stuffing your kids’ things in the attic or basement for the long term, if you have room.) But be honest if you can’t store them for long. A dresser, armoire, or sofa can’t be easily stuffed into the basement. So come up with a reasonable end date, and give occasional reminders along the way to help people prepare.

You might be willing to spring for a storage unit for a while, until kids or family members are ready to retrieve things. If you do, make very clear how long you can afford to store it. Storage costs are often reasonable at first, then increase dramatically. Even a $50/month unit adds up to $600 per year. A $100/month unit can rise in cost to $250/month within a couple of years. Your kind offer to store things can become a financial burden. What will you do if the items don’t get picked up? Don’t set yourself up to be the bad guy when you can no longer afford storage. If your offer to store things is time-limited, make that clear up front.

Unwanted gifts from important givers

Resistance to replacing things can also mean not letting go of inherited things, or giving away or storing unwanted items given to us by people we love. For example, Mom’s big black club chairs with the red squiggles that she gave to you for your first apartment. They were fun when she bought them for her place in 1985. But they’re bulky and bold, and don’t fit your coastal cottage style. If Mom would be sad to see them go, is it your duty to keep them around? Is it disrespectful to her to let go of things that keep you from the comfortable, relaxed, beautiful environment that you’d prefer? I don’t think so.

Think about the porcelain figurines and beer steins you inherited. You climb over their boxes every time you need your camping gear. How about the Pillsbury Doughboy cookie jar? It crowds your cups and glasses in the cabinet, but you never use it. Must you keep them because someone gave them to you, even if they keep you from living comfortably in the present?

Sometimes we keep things we don’t care for, then get them out when loved ones visit. There’s nothing wrong with that. You needn’t feel guilty if you don’t want to display the life-sized papier-mâché bust of your uncle all year round. And if it scares the kids or makes you queasy, don’t display it at all, no matter who gave it to you. You have the right to enjoy being in your own home.

Honoring people’s memories is beautiful

Treasuring memories and honoring people we’ve loved keeps people alive in our hearts. We bestow meaning and beauty on even humble or broken things if they keep important connections strong. The grief we feel over the loss of places or possessions that remind us of special people or moments is real. Our fear of change kicks in when we feel that those connections are threatened.

Hanging onto good memories and being reminded of things, places, and moments keep us grounded. But you can also honor people and times in your past without feeling burdened by things that hold you back. It’s not cold, unkind, or wrong to want to make changes to your home that will improve your life now and in the future.

You Deserve to Feel Happy in Your Home

Feeling love, respect, and gratitude to those who came before is admirable. Holding onto their memories is a loving act. But should you sacrifice your current happiness and comfort to honor someone won’t be affected by the changes you make? Will storing or stepping over your late great-aunt’s unused belongings for another decade bring her joy, or bring her back? She’d want you to live comfortably, and be happy when you think of her, instead of feeling burdened by her belongings.

Saving it doesn’t mean treasuring it

You can’t stuff a family vacation in a bag, or hang hugs on the wall. Some things that once looked beautiful or felt special weren’t made to last forever. You can keep every dried corsage or old stained tie, or every kindergarten craft item. But how often will you look at or use them? Do you even notice them, except to move them out of the way? Will anyone ever want them? If they crowd things you use daily, they’re a constant subconscious annoyance that saps happiness.

Keep good memories, let go of sad reminders

The world is ever-changing, and some changes are disorienting and painful. No wonder we want to hold onto the best parts of the past. But your memories are already a part of you. You carry them with you wherever you go. When you see things or places that remind you of what you shared with loved ones, it’s because that memory lives in you, not in things. Your memories are your history—no one can take them from you.

Keeping broken things you’ve meant to repair can make you feel defeated each time you rediscover the damage and put off fixing it. Will you really repair or repurpose it? Or is it time to let it go? Focus on things that function well and bring happiness instead.

Sadly, sometimes the things we keep out of fear of change serve as painful reminders. They make us focus on loss, not on what we’re grateful to have enjoyed. When you pass Granddad’s unused chair, you think about how he’s not in it. But that chair crowds the sofa you actually use. Stepping around it every day doesn’t make your family more comfortable or happy. So why not honor Granddad’s memory in a way that makes you happy each time you see it? Display his woodwork, a favorite photo of him, his best painting, or his old surfboard—something that brings joy. Then delight in his memory while feeling gratitude for your comfortable, lovely home.

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Change can be challenging, even when it’s ultimately good for us. Be gentle with yourself and others when it’s time to make changes in your surroundings | Mikotoraw Photographer for Pexels